Cupcake Note
by craftsforallseasons1916
Summary: What if, instead of a Death Note, there was a Cupcake Note? And what if, instead of a world-class super sleuth, L was a hamster? Read on and find out!
1. A Tale of Cupcakes!

"This Cupcake Note is the best! Hahahaha!" Light laughs as he writes down many names in his Cupcake Note. One day he found this Cupcake Note and decided it seemed like a pretty nifty thing to have, and now his whole life was so much better!

"When I take over the world, everyone will be turned into a cupcake! Then no one will be able to challenge me, because they will all be cupcakes!" Light rolls his head back and blasts into another fit of evil laughter. "Isn't that right, Ryuk?"

"Yes, it will be so hilarious, when you do that," says Ryuk. "This is exactly what I hoped would happen when I dropped the Cupcake Note from the Cupcakegami Realm."

"Haha, damn straight! But first I'm turning only the world's deadliest criminals into cupcakes. I have to become Kira first, or else my whole plan is shot to ruin!" Light says in a voice.

"Light, honey, it's time for supper!" a mysterious woman calls up the stairs, "I made your favorite Japanese dish, just special!"

"Shut up, Mom, or I'll turn you into a cupcake!" Light screams at the insubordinate woman.

"Okay, sweetums! I'm going to leave your Albuterol on the bottom stair in a little baggie! Don't eat too many cookies!"

"I won't be eating _any _cookies because I'll be turning criminals into cupcakes!" Light chuckles to himself trickily. Suddenly the television flickers to the image of a fancy "L" against a plain white background. A news program about puppy farms had been playing previously.

"Hey, what is going on?" Light says, "I was watching that news program about puppy farms out of the corner of my eye! Everyone at Channel 87 News is getting turned into a cupcake, right now!"

But as Light raises his hand to begin an aggressive writing montage, the screen cuts to a man sitting in a regal office chair at a regal desk. On the desk is a nameplate that says his name, Lind L. Tailor, and behind him is a generic blue flag.

The man begins to speak, "Greetings, citizens of Earth. I am Lind L. Tailor, just as my nameplate here reads, or better known as the secret detective L. I am forcing every television station across the entire planet to play this broadcast simultaneously, so that I can address Kira directly. Unless he is in a remote location out of the range of any television signals, though my superior detective skills suspect that is not the case."

"What is this pure nonsense!" Light yells. He chucks his pen at the screen, and it ricochets back at his face. "Oh, you are so becoming a cupcake now, you idiot fool!" Light finds his pen and grabs the Cupcake Note. "Hehehe, this will teach you never to mess with Kira, El Dumbass" Light says under his breath. He scribbles down the name that is on the nameplate in immaculate penmanship.

"Just forty seconds and the world will know my true power," Light says while eyeing his watch.

"Five, four, three, two, one...," Light counts to himself. Then there is a _poof_ of pink smoke. Where L's hands were just milliseconds ago, there is only a red velvet cupcake topped with a dollop of caramel frosting and purple jimmies.

"Haha, sucker," Light says as he admires the gorgeous cupcake his fast nemesis has become.

This wonderous thing to behold is short-lived as the live broadcast is again replaced with the image of the fancy L. A garbled monster voice speaks through the television, "Kira, the man you just killed was an inmate on death row. His execution was scheduled for today. As you have probably deduced, you have not turned the real L into a cupcake. I am still alive and very much not a cupcake. If you are truly all powerful, you should have no problem turning me into a cupcake right now." The voice is coming from the television's speakers.

"Grrrrrr..." Light growls through gritted teeth. Who did this L think he was, messing with his global enslavement plans?

"Come on, what are you waiting for? Turn me into a cupcake!" the voice goads him. But Light knows this is impossible. He doesn't have enough information about this wad of human jerk to turn him into a cupcake.

"Stupid Cupcake Note," Light says as he throws the stupid Cupcake Note to the ground and attempts to kick it, but misses because the Cupcake Note is so flat.

"Hey, don't disrespect the Cupcake Note," says Ryuk.

"I'm waiting," the voice continues, "Just as I previously deduced. This message is actually only being broadcast in the Kanto region of Japan. You have been tricked, Kira. I now know your general location and the general extent of your powers. I will find you, and you will be brought to justice."

"Your mom will be brought to justice!" Light yells at the screen before picking up the Cupcake Note from where he had thrown it in his fit of teenage rage, "Then she'll be turned into a cupcake!" Light rolls his head back and blasts into a fit of evil laughter. "You'll all be turned into cupcakes! You may have won this round L, but I will win the war!"

Little did Light know, his arch rival, to whom he had just issued this challenge of wits, was a hamster.

* * *

><p><strong>Whew, exciting chapter! I really himmed and hawed over my characterization of Light, but in the end, I think it turned out pretty well! Future of this story: hopefully it'll span all of the original, or at least all of the important points. IDK, Mello and his doofy haircut will probably get cut. Anyway, I think this is a really fresh concept and I want to push it to the max! That's all!<strong>


	2. A Long Way from Home, Pt I

"So that townie rat-bastard _(no, Light, he's actually a hamster)_ has figured out Kira is a student already, eh?" Light mutters as he scrolls through an ultra-top-secret police report, "Heh, we'll see who the real Sherlock is after my next spree. Ryuk, what are the full extent of the Cupcake Note's powers?"

"No," answers Ryuk.

Light smirks. "I figured you'd say that, so I'm prepared to find out for myself. A series of tests are incorporated into my next set of killings, all of which will have times preset in the Cupcake Note for when I'm at school. Hehe, that'll throw the buck-faced hound off my scent _(Naw, still a hamster)_."

"Pretty clever," says Ryuk.

"Yeah, I know," says Light.

"Light, your review class starts in twenty minutes! You don't want to be late, punkin'!" a voice now firmly established to be that of Light's mother yells up the stairs.

"I know that, Mom! I know that! I've been the top goddamn student at my high school of 1200 for four goddamn years! Why the hell would you think I wouldn't know that? If I didn't think it would immediately point to my being Kira, I would turn you into a cupcake so hard right now!," Light shrieks at his clearly out-of-line mother.

"Just making sure, sugarlumps!" responds the clearly-out-of-line woman.

"Well, stop doing that! Stop it! Don't like it!" Light yells back, though he's beginning to whine like a pouting child.

"Say Light, what are you going to do with the Cupcake Note while you're at your review class?" asks Ryuk.

"I'm glad you went ahead and assumed I would be leaving the Cupcake Note at home instead of taking it with me as per usual. It segues nicely into my next stroke of geniousity," answers Light. "This afternoon, using a bunch of crap I covertly stole from school, I built an IED that is triggered when this drawer," he gestures, "is pulled open without first inserting the plastic ink tube from a pen into a hole I drilled into the bottom. That way, anyone who goes snooping will be blown to flesh chunks before it can find the Cupcake Note. Foolproof."

"That sounds a little dangerous, Light," says Ryuk.

"Not for me. I have a goddamn golden touch when it comes to IEDs. Besides, it would be far more dangerous to leave the Cupcake Note laying around unprotected."

"Whatever you say," says Ryuk.

"Don't use that tone with me, Ryuk. From now on, you are only permitted to bask in my cunning – if you want any more apples, that is."

"You know, most humans would be wary of talking to a Shinigami like that. I like your style, kid."

"Most people do," says Light. He stands and grabs his briefcase and cloak, "Come on, my review class starts in fifteen minutes, and it looks like I'm already going to be late. Good for nothing mother."

* * *

><p>Light's shoes clack loudly on the asphalt as he walks towards his street, even though he is wearing soft heeled shoes. Overcast clouds and liberally spaced streetlamps obscure all but the closest of his surroundings. Ryuk lingers a few meters behind on lazily flapping wings. Suddenly, he jerks forward.<p>

"You are aware that in most circumstances I'd gladly watch you plunge into a horrible doom of your own making, Light, but tonight I'm feeling generous," Ryuk whispers next to Light's ear, "And annoyed. A man's been tailing you ever since we left Wacky World,"

Light stops dead in his tracks. A faint scuffle also stops behind him, a few seconds too slow.

"Hmmm, L, you whorish guttersnipe. Looks like you've learned from my tests as well." he says under his breath. For the past week Light had been writing a range of tasks for the criminals to perform before they died to figure out far he could push the Cupcake Note. He had also begun writing specific times of death for each killing. One at five minutes past the hour, every hour. That last part was just to screw with L, the whorish guttersnipe.

Light resumes walking. "Well? That's all you're going to do?" asks Ryuk. He is ignored. "Fine, ignore me, but don't say I didn't give you any heads up."

* * *

><p>Light reaches for the knob on the door to his room, but abruptly stops, hand suspended in hesitation.<p>

"What is it?" asks Ryuk. Light does not respond. Instead, he turns to go back down the stairs and heads for the front door. On his way out he grabs the nearest object in range, which happens to be a flimsy, over-stuffed cardstock folder with "Sayu's Very First Important Science Project!" scribbled on the front. Light walks with the item to the edge of the Yagami lawn, then tosses it in a trashcan waiting for next-morning pick-up.

"I needed a discreet excuse to go outside," he explains himself, "L, that churlish piece of girl hair, has the whole house bugged."

"What? How do you know that?"

"You recall the IED I rigged to my desk drawer to keep the Cupcake Note from detection while at the house? Well, I have a bunch of checks on my door ten times more intricately insane that I set-up every time I leave home to make sure no one goes into my room. All of them have been violated. Someone has been in my sacred space, Ryuk."

"How are you so sure it's not your mother or sister?"

"Did I not emphasize how insanely intricate these checks are, Ryuk? I made a point to say that they are ten times more paranoid than wiring explosives to my desk. I am pretty damn sure that it was not my mother or sister. No, it was no one in my family. L is behind this. And I know for certain the thing that he was behind, was putting wiretaps and cameras in every room in our house and sending someone to track me. He must have deduced that Kira is someone on or close to someone on the task force. I forget if I mentioned this, but my father is the police chief and head of the Kira task force. Naturally, the entire Yagami family is being investigated by L. That dumb cube of compacted ocean litter."

"Out of a world population of 6.5 billion people, L has managed to track you down in two and half weeks. That's pretty impressive. Or you've been careless," says Ryuk.

"Hahaha, oh Ryuk, L will never win. In fact I'm glad he's found me. The sooner he finds me, the sooner I clear my name. Without any knowledge of the Cupcake Note, there's no way L will have the evidence to prove that I'm Kira. Let the Norwegian jumping squirrel _(no matter how you may try, Light, he'll never be anything but a hamster)_ come at me." With that, Light drops the lid back on the trash can with a _bang _and walks back towards the house, blasting into a silent fit of laughter as he passes through the front doorway**.**

* * *

><p><strong>This chapter was tough. A lot of emotional stuff. I had to watch so much MASH to get through it, lol. The next chapter will be much more light-hearted. Trust.<strong>


	3. The Most Slappable Face in the World

"Denise Chuch...dolphin nose. Kaori Nuggets...drowned rat face. Tipfo Ballatai...class grunt, three years running. Kearny Juggs...totally lopsided. What use is incontestable popularity if no one in this goddamned town is worthy of being my puppet? We will be _in public_, for Christian Allusion's sake," Light whines as he scrolls through his cellular flip-phone.

"That Kearny Juggs sounds like a scream," says Ryuk.

"Awkwardly silent I hear," answers Light disinterestedly, "What pathetic excuses for foreheads, all of them! Can't I just find a girl with an acceptably high hairline? I need some forehead, Ryuk!"

"That girl who you were giggling with before English class yesterday had a pretty massive forehead."

"Yuri Dtflgui;lm,bhg? Her father does own three Comp USA franchises in Tokyo alone. Mildly well-off family, the Dtfgui;lm,bhg's...She is acceptable. Sharp suggestion, Ryuk."

"Thanks, Light. That means so much, coming from you."

At that, Light swivels his chair to face Ryuk, glaring at him with the stone cold eyes of Steve Austin. "Kira never giggles with another human, Ryuk. He giggles alone, or others may giggle in his presence. It is never communal."

The Shinigami nods ruefully.

"Now," Light says as he clicks his pen over an open Cupcake Note, his regular demeanor returned, "I've got a strategic plot to set-up that would make Rube Goldberg stab himself through the eye with a toothbrush shiv that was struck by a hammer suspended on a fulcrum so as to jerk forward when landed upon by a ball on top of a tower of toilet paper tubes which will fall when an RC Hummer rams the tube tower after the final domino in an eighty-eight domino, domino chain flips the ON switch for the RC Hummer, which all begins when a trained lab rat sets off the domino chain." He then blasts into a fit of evil laughter.

* * *

><p>"I was so excited when you called! I haven't been to SpaceLand since I was a kid!" chirps Yuri Dtflgui;lm,bhg as she and Light walk towards the nearest bus stop. Light had never noticed before how much she looked like a bird. It was really quite distracting. Every time she opened her mouth, he had to fight the instinct to shoo her with a back-handed palm. Despite her magnificently large forehead, this part of the strategic plot was not going as strategically plotted.<p>

"Haha, I should hope you're excited. You pecked our destination out, after all. Really, I just wanted to seed you," coos Light, wrapping a lithe, yet powerful arm around his date's scapulas while they share an intense stare. Even though the outing with Yuri was merely a cover-up for his real goal, catching the spy that L the Gastric Dragon _(silly Light, dragons don't even exist anymore!)_ had sent to follow him, Light could not turn off his charming, manipulative nature. It was a key asset of his incontestable popularity.

"Tweet tweet! Tweet! Twee-twee-tweet!" tweets Yuri.

"Hahaha, exactly," Light responds, more on autopilot than genuinely listening to the bird. He needed to focus now. The pawn of his gutter trash enemy was in the perimeter, and Light _would _have the upper hand by the end of their encounter.

Yuri continues to chatter as Light indiscriminately laughs to keep her sated while he gives full attention to his watch.

_"Just another minute..."_

Right on cue the bus rolls over a hill, about 500 feet out. Both students ready their passes. No one else is at the bus stop with them.

_"Perfect. I'll recognize you immediately, you pathetic servant of L, that regurgitated Disney Channel Original Movie (D-COM)."_

After the bus comes to a stop, Light and Yuri board and head towards a seat at the back. Light coolly resists looking over his shoulder to see if his stalker has also boarded. As they sit down, he catches glimpse of a tall man in a long jacket paying his fare at the front. The man had been nowhere in sight when the bus arrived. Light had found L's spy. With a rude jerk, the bus begins to move again, and the man turns to take a seat. That's when Light sees the most slappable face he had ever seen, and would ever saw. The man exuded incompetence. Incompetence condensed like a cloud around his body; it bled from his eyes, it bubbled under his skin, it bore ulcers in his stomach lining. There were many things Light Yagami knew for certain in his short life _(Haha, spoilers!)_, but what he knew surest of all was this: he wanted to kill this goddamn doofus.

And kill him he would. First, however, he needed a name.

As expected, the man takes a seat behind Light and Yuri. The triad sit in silence for the next few stops, Light lying in wait for his next move, Yuri occupied with some crumbs of unidentifiable source on the seat, and the doofus...was sitting alone. It would be weird if he were talking. At the next stop, almost a third of the passengers void the bus, and there are no new arrivals. It's suddenly quiet when when a man waving a gun charges onto the bus.

"This here's a good ol'-fashioned bus-jackin', ya' hear now?" the man addresses the People of the Bus while still frantically waving his gun. He sounds heavily intoxicated. "You there!" he points the gun at the driver, "This bus is en route to SpaceLand, the mightiest of all the Lands! Tell 'em, the folks who run the SpaceLand, call 'em on the phone, and tell 'em sumthin', which is to get money. To gimme to me. I need it. It is for a back alley oper-eration fer the cat of a friend of me. Do it now, or yer head is on this windows!"

Light is disappointed at the poor grammar of the criminal he had specially chosen to carry out the most vital part of his strategic plot. He had really hoped for a proper, menacing bus-jacking. He would have to make do with what he had.

"Yuri, if it comes down to it, I'm going to rush this asshole and introduce him to the Pain Twins, my fists. Don't try and stop me," Light conspicuously loud-whispers to his date.

"Hold on, kid," the doofus behind Light speaks. Light's skin crawls at the sound of his douchey voice. It was douchier than he ever could have imagined. "Let me handle this."

"And why should I trust you?" Light sneers, "I read a lot about bus-jackings and other various public transport-jackings in my spare time, and often the thieves work in pairs. How do I know you're not butt-boy here's accomplice?"

The doofus sighs. "I'm under no circumstances supposed to reveal my position in the FBI, but I guess under these circumstances, I'm forced to." He reaches into his pocket, pulls out a small, leather booklet, and hands it to Light. It opens to an ID badge with "FBI" written in bold letters. Underneath is the doofus's picture and his name: Raye Penber. What a dumbass name. Light pretends to check out the document for a believable length of time, then hands it back to Raye Penber with a nod.

_"It's all going according to the strategic plot! Raye Penber, you've made your last mistake. Your first was being born. Hehehe, and L, I thought you were just a filthy speck of Whoville on a clover, but you've got the FBI doing your bidding? Maybe you are a worthy foe after all. Though it would make a lot more sense if it were the CIA...whatever, even genius detectives can't be expected to know the the intricacies of the United States intelligence agencies._

Light and Raye Penber's chatter attracts the attention of the psycho with the gun. "You! Back in thur! With the talkin'! No! Don't do it!" He storms to the back of the bus, gun waving like a flag in the wind. A scrap of paper falls from Light's pocket just as the bus-jacker approaches.

"Eh, was' this?" he slurs while picking-up the paper, "A secret meeting of m' mother and her dead cat? No! It won' happen eva'!" His eyes disjointedly glaze over the message, a simple date, time, and meeting spot, and after a long minute he throws it back at Light's face. "Monkey she-nin-e-gans, if ya' eva' have it seen!" he screams to no one in particular.

"Is it just me, or is he getting more and more insensible by the minute?" Raye Penber mutters. Light does not respond, because he knows he has nothing nice to say when it comes to Raye Penber's douchey voice.

Raye Penber's douchey voice is, however, answered by the bus-jacker's shriek. "Guhhhhh! It's the dead cat!"

It is not, in fact, the dead cat. It is merely Ryuk, who Light had quite frankly forgotten was present until this point. The note Light dropped was actually a scrap of the Cupcake Note, and when the bus-jacker touched it, he gained the terrifying ability to see Light's Shinigami. This was all part of the strategic plot.

"Cap'em, let me off this ship! I do not wanna ride the mystrey!" the bus-jacker yells and staggers to the front of the bus, his gun hand still rollicking free as the wind. The driver slams the brakes to a halt and opens the door, seizing the opportunity to be rid of the obnoxious bus-jacker. The still-screaming man practically tumbles down the stairs and rushes out into traffic, where, in a cloud of electric green smoke, his body morphs into a scrumptious dark chocolate cupcake topped with pink icing and a plastic ghost ring. The newly formed cupcake is instantly smushed under the tire of an oncoming car, before anyone was able to enjoy it.

The People of the Bus gasp all at once.

"What the hell just happened?" asks Raye Penber, "What made him suddenly go all Looney Tunes? Something here doesn't add up."

But it all added up for Light Yagami. His strategic plot had gone off without a single hitch, except for Yuri's avian tendencies. He had the name of the FBI agent L, ever the dumpy knock-off Barbie, had sent to investigate him. He was free to rid himself of that menace whenever the time was right. But now he knew L was in league with the FBI, which meant there were agents crawling all over Tokyo. He couldn't have that, and with Raye Penber around, he wouldn't have to. Light began forming another strategic plot just as soon as the previous one had been fulfilled. This time he would hit L with a blow so hard, it'd knock his gingivitis stricken teeth out. With that, Light blasts into an internal fit of evil laughter.

* * *

><p><strong>Aw man, this one took me awhile. It really wasn't my fault, though, lol. My bestie Leondra and I were playing this game with some of my less important friends called "Shit for Brains." It's where you sit in a circle and everyone has to do something someone with shit for brains would do. So when it was my turn, I had to hold anti-freeze in my mouth for 90 seconds. Leondra was doing her bear impressions while I had the anti-freeze in my mouth, so I started cracking up and swallowed like half of it, lol. So I had to go to the ER and stuff and then I didn't feel like doing anything afterwards because everyone was pampering me like a royal cat. But it's time to get back to work, lol. Anyways, I need a break from writing Raye Penber's dialogue, so next chappie is probably going to introduce L and the task force. That's all! <strong>


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